If I’m being perfectly honest, life feels like every single time I take a step towards feeling okay, life pushes me back 5 steps behind.

I’ve been trying my very best not to rot in bed, but most days just feel pointless. I feel like I’m in this void of trying to feel something. Anything. To pull me back from this blackhole of numbing pain and sadness.

My mom died a slow death, one we had to watch happen. And when she finally passed, there was guilt in the relief that it’s finally over. I felt the same way then, and had went to different places just to feel alive.

But no matter where I go, there I am. This feeling is the same regardless of how beautiful the views may be, or how luxurious the hotels I stay in are. My reaction to loss has always been to leave everything familiar and overstimulate my senses with new things. My mom. My ex. Rox.

My chest hurts from time to time, and it’s the same feeling back in 2019 – that I had to go to a cardiologist to have it checked out. Nothing’s wrong. But everything’s wrong.

I’ve always had a weird zest for life. Always told people I want to live to a hundred. But what for? I’ve had 31 years. And the past decade has been filled with losses and I don’t know how to deal with more of them. I just feel so done.