I don’t think a midlife crisis is appropriate at 22.

I find myself thinking why I do what I do frequently – too much, even. From almost always trusting my body clock to wake up, I have had to set up 3 alarms with a 15-minute interval to ensure that I get to the office in time. I rarely get excited anymore because I do not see the value of what I am doing. And to be completely honest, I have come to a point where I’m just working for the money (which isn’t a lot to begin with). I envy anyone who could do what they do even without money involved. That’s passion.

People still see the bubbly girl they have always known, but inside – it just feels so.. empty. What I feel when I get commended for something I did exceptional in or when I get apprehended does not feel any different at all. My hands used to get clammy and my heart beat races faster, but now, most of my days feel the same – gray, bland and boring.

I actually miss being pissed that I had so much work to do. At least, that evokes feelings out of me. But even when I do spend a lot of time working, I don’t feel challenged enough. Most of what I do are just a butt load of repetitive mindless chores, I might as well be sleeping. Scratch that, I would rather be sleeping. It will probably take years off my face and loads off the bags under my eyes.

It’s not as if I didn’t try. For a time, I believed I could even outwork anyone else who can do my job. I sacrificed punctuality on dinner dates with friends to finish work which was delegated to me 4 PM of the same afternoon, attendance within family events to spend the holiday in the office, comfort for chronic neck and back pain and sweet conversations with C to vent out pent up anger at everything else. And at that time, I succeeded. I received favorable performance reviews (no promotion yet though) and coveted work trips.

Sometimes I wonder why we all spend too much time studying. After graduating, we burn our days working – reaping pleasure from getting hired by a faceless multinational brand, inspiring envy amongst our peers and flaunting this and that. Money is important, I could not agree more. And we try to make so much of it, it has cost us more than we can afford. Our relationships, our dreams, our health and even our sanity.

I may seem to make this such a big deal, but I graduated last June. That was four months ago! I think this alone is a testament that sometimes, I’m too stubborn for my own good. I spent two months for a single application and didn’t even think it through when I dropped the rest of them. Unfortunately, I was not successful but as Steve Maraboli would put it “I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better.” I have never really failed at anything ‘big’, but I guess this experience toughened me up because let’s face it, it’s not going to be the biggest disappointing news that will come my way.

Honestly, my self-esteem slowly deteriorated as days went by. It seemed that my peers are already starting their careers and I have been left behind. I kept wondering if there really is something wrong with me and maybe I’m just not good enough to get what I wanted.

It is safe to say that I had time to re-evaluate my choices and find out what I truly want out of life. After which, all I needed was to brush off the negativity and stand tall on my feet again. In life, you just got to roll with the punches and believe you can do whatever it is you set out to do. 🙂

There are a lot of things about me that two short pages and countless interviews cannot cover, and though it isn’t relevant to job hunting, I have to get it out there.

• Rachel Berry: I can cry on command. It is one of my many talents.
• I live an hour away from the high school I went to, and the only time I was late was because of the school service. When I started going to school via public transportation, I was always at least thirty minutes early. That is how punctual I am.
• I still go to school even when I am sick. Heck, some professors even remember me as the girl who had a plastic for tissue paper since flu-induced fever never hindered me from taking examinations. The only instances that I missed school because of health reasons were the times that I had chicken pox, measles, and when I got confined in a hospital for one night back in first grade.
• I enjoy jogging with my dog. Rox keeps me running and we do not stop. When I say jogging and I am in the company of other people, I end up brisk walking. And gossiping.. Wait.. Sometimes we even eat!
• The person who has the highest expectations for me is myself. I know it’s a good thing, but some days, it is so frustrating.
• In relation to the previous bullet, I like beating my own high scores.
• My body clock’s default alarm is at 5:30 in the morning. I have to be really tired (or sick) to stay in bed past 7 AM.
• However, I do get sleepy when it’s too bright. Weird.
• I make up nicknames for random people I ride with in public transportation. It gets more accurate if I get to ride with them for more than once (i.e. Kulangot Boy as I always manage to catch him doing the deed; Bukaka Girl as she wears a short skirt and sits with her legs apart, exposing her panty-covered crotch; Bling Bling Boy, the guy who goes to St. Paul College Manila who always wear a lot of bling on Wednesdays, etc).
• I also like to wonder what goes on in their lives. Sometimes, I make up a story about how their day goes.
• My “game face” is a smiling face. Hah!
• I excel at gift giving (unless my friends are faking it) and surprise planning. I’ve always helped my friends’ girlfriends and boyfriends, knowing that they will do the same for me.
• I bake when I’m stressed. My thesis mates got stuffed with all kinds of cupcakes and cookies.
• Sometimes, I do a little dance (privately, where no one can see me), to shake off negative energy.
• There are a lot of times wherein I turn into Marshall Eriksen and sing about whatever it was that I am doing.
• On most days, I find “pretty and charming” (exact words, true story) a compliment. But as the main reason for a job offer, it is an insult. I value myself enough to know I am competent without the genes I was born with. I may not be the prettiest of all the land, but I am aware that it’s not the sole thing that’s going on for me.
• I love the challenge that comes from Sudoku and Kakuro. Completing one gives me a sense of fulfillment.
• I let my friends cry and vent on me until they get it out of their systems. I have devised a personal mind exercise while they do so, and this have increased my patience for..people, in general.
• How I give an advice depends on two things: how well I know the person, and my mood. What I do best is listen. Sometimes, you find that is all one needs.
• I do not have a problem talking to people, large groups, on a stage..as long as we speak the same language. Although I found out last year that I can even carry on a conversation with an Indian man with hand gestures and broken English.
• Oh, and in fact, prior to an interview, I would stealthily pick a target-slash-other-applicants at the lobby/waiting lounge to warm up for the interview by chatting with them. Most of them are Facebook friends with me now. :p
• Admittedly, I would like a more something else (whatever that may be, I still haven’t figured out yet) than technical job, but I wouldn’t want to waste five years of my life that I devoted to Engineering.
• Now that I think about it, my dream is to own a pastry shop. Baking for a living sounds good. Imagine the smell of pastries, wafting through your nostrils the moment you opened the door to “work”.
• For the meantime, while I’m saving up for my business, a job that requires interaction with other people more than my technical skills would be good.
• Now that I’m in the adult world, I am learning how tough decisions can be.
• And how it could make me run around my room in my underwear, screaming “What do I do? What do I do?” when a call I was dreading came. I wanted to say yes, but other people’s definition of “better” was waiting for me.
• I have come to realize that no matter how annoying my parents can be at times, I am very lucky with the pair I got. They let me make decisions on my own, and supports it. As my mom has put it, they have provided for me everything I need to survive. Now, they simply watch on the sidelines and cheer me on, trusting that I will make the right decisions.
• I always believed that I will pursue a career I will enjoy, but as it turns out, I am more practical. Magpa-alipin tayo sa pera!
• I regret the previous bullet. But I have learned that one has to live by their decisions. No more what ifs, no more regrets.

It’s official. I hate Thursdays.

Just so you know, our house is located at the farthest part of our village. In the Philippines, one of the most common means of transportation is by riding a tricycle (google it up).

To get to the tricycle terminal, I have to walk until I reach the village entrance. It normally takes me an average of ten minutes to get there and five minutes when I’m in a hurry. Since I was early, I took my time walking. I was five steps away from the terminal when I remembered that I left my office ID home. I immediately sent my mom a message to tell her I forgot my ID and I’ll just rush home. I then asked the tricycle driver to get me home first since I forgot something, and the oh-so-nice tricycle driver speedily got me home. Turns out, my mom went to meet me halfway, so I had to look out for her somewhere along the way out. She literally just threw me my ID and the tricycle driver released his frustrated racer persona. Thank you, mister! And he didn’t even ask for extra pay!

Thank goodness I still got to the office early. Nothing much happened today, except for all the hands-on experience I got in the IT department. Transferred assets, deployed equipment, etc.

And then my series of unfortunate events started.

For some reason, my right eye suddenly started to feel a bit stingy. Since I was wearing contact lenses (poor eyesight sucks!), I thought it might be because my eyes are too dry already. I started to continuously blink and something did not feel right. Fortunately, I felt my right eye using my clean hand and found my contact lens hanging from my eyelashes. HOW DID IT GET THERE??? There’s a special solution used for cleaning contact lenses and there wasn’t any around, so guess what I did. I ran to the ladies’ room and put it back in. God. It felt like lots of shampoo in your eye. It must have been weird for those who saw me because I started crying due to the pain. Then it stopped. The pain, I mean. Probably because my eyes are wet again. Gaaah. I’ve never experienced this with other brands of contact lenses before. Ugh.

Come 6 PM and us interns left the office building. It was raining so hard and the sound of thunder was quite prominent even with the sound of rush hour in Eastwood. Good thing I always had an umbrella in my bag, or else I would have been dripping. Not that I wasn’t, though.

I thought I was lucky that a half full jeepney (for non-Pinoys, it’s another means of transportation) stopped in front of me. Once I sat down, I felt something poking through my thigh. Oh my, God, a nail was sticking out from the jeepney seat and it bore a hole through my brand new slacks. DHFSFHSJKDHFSDJGFHJSDGFS You can just imagine me directing evil glares to the jeepney driver who drove like it’s 2012.

Cubao was flooded already by the time I had to get off the jeepney so I had to submerge my flats (and part of my slacks) in dirty flood water. Yuck. I wouldn’t have an issue with it if I was wearing slippers and shorts and if there’s an assurance that the flood water wasn’t a carrier of leptospirosis (hello, google).

At the bus terminal in Farmer’s Plaza, a line is already building up due to the rain and the scarcity of buses to Cavite. I fell in line too and waited for my turn to board the bus. What pissed me off and reduced me to shout out “Hoy! Ano ba? Lahat tayo gustong makauwi. Mahiya nga kayo!” is tons of people line jumping. Come on. I did not get in line so people who just came to get to board the bus before I do. Ugh.

Rant over. More tomorrow. Or during the weekends. Good night! 🙂

I went job hunting yesterday, which consisted of six hours of building hopping in 4-inch heels. After the exhausting day – which mostly consisted of us walking despite the heat in Makati – we went to Greenbelt, then I waited in Edsa for almost two hours before I get to ride the bus home.

Bring on the wheelchair, I think my feet just died.

Please, let all the hard work be worth it.