Not gonna call it mid-life because I don’t plan on dying at 62. But quarter-life doesn’t work because unless science progresses fast enough, I feel like I won’t enjoy living more than a hundred years.

But I digress.

For most small businesses, ber months are the worst time to order anything. I made that mistake when I was starting out in 2020. Did not learn my lesson last year. And it’s 2022 – and the raw materials I need for my next release are still on a ship en route to Manila. Plus, I started on the other tasks too late and now have to wonder if I’ll meet my timeline. Sigh.

I’ve never had patience as one of my virtues. All this waiting around has made me antsy. It doesn’t help that my current workload isn’t overwhelming that I can’t even distract myself with it.

I went back to rollerskating just to take my mind off things though. But here’s where I am right now and I just want to look back someday in the future and be able to laugh off how crazy I was being right at this exact moment.

In the fit of this weird crisis, I got myself something to pay off for the next few years (lol) to keep having something to look forward to (at least until 2028, hoping I live long enough to enjoy it). Only because I realized that I can’t even travel to my favorite places because all I have are expired visas that I didn’t even get to maximize (Schengen, South Korea, and Japan!) – thanks to the pandemic and the financial aspect of traveling during a pandemic (airfare is crazy, stays at hotels have skyrocketed, all the travel requirements.. can you believe that I was able to nab roundtrip business class tickets for my canceled 2020 Europe trip for only $1100~??? definitely can’t do that now ugh).

I genuinely hold this belief that I’m fated to win the lottery one day. Once I do, I am definitely doing something to get another passport (maybe buy one – I heard you can do that?).

It’s 10:32 PM on a Sunday and I’m working (on something for my day job). If you asked me at 21 where I thought I’d be in life at this exact moment, I would have given an answer that’s far from my current life. And maybe in a parallel universe, that answer would have been true. But in this one, I’m single and child-free. I’m in the 30% income tax bracket (which needs to be maintained by working weekends). Heck, I even have a cat now who I absolutely adore (which came as a surprise, even to me). It’s been 2 weeks since I turned 31, and if I’m being honest, I still feel like I’m in my 20s lol.

Unlike last year, there was not a lot of pressure that came with turning 31. I guess because I realized when I hit 30 that … life is generally the same. Nothing changed when I turned 30. I’m still me. I didn’t shrivel up and die. And if I live up to a hundred, I’m only 30% of the way. That’s not even halfway done. Or if I base my life expectancy on my mom, then I’m past halfway on my journey to the grave and there’s really no sense in worrying too much. I would instead savor each day while I can.

Sometimes, I wonder if I’ll ever couple up with someone (anyone!) again. And I wonder if there’s something wrong with me based on the fact that my ex seems happy in his current relationship (I don’t keep track but we, unfortunately, have mutual friends who post him and his new girlfriend on their ig stories and it’s weird to see his face, and not recognize this person at all – the same way that I don’t recognize the girl in old photos of the two of us together – eh life is weird that way), or the dudes I almost dated seriously while in my healing phase are all coupled up now.

The wondering doesn’t feel like yearning, thank god. It’s just something I’m genuinely curious about. Just one of those things that pop into my mind when I suddenly zone out in the middle of a thought (like now). It’s hard to let people in when I’ve built a life I truly love – because what else can they add to it?

My best friends treat me so well. Gin gifted me Chanel for my 30th and would plan trips for my birthday. Mao would treat me to a 5-digit degustation dinner just because, and would even drive to Cavite from Makati to pick me up (and wouldn’t even ask to split gas/toll even if I insisted). Alex drove from Alabang to BGC to bring me an electric fan because it’s sweltering. Our house turns into a flower/gift shop on my birthday and on valentines day – it’s crazy. I did my first pop-up for sad girl scents and all my friends came to either help man the booth or show me support.

I treat myself well. I get myself flowers every month (I’ve bought more for myself 2 years into being single, than the 10 years I was in a relationship with one person). I go to therapy. I’ve learned how to live with myself.

I have never met a single man who can match that energy. So it’s not really that I’m not that open to dating, it’s just no one has made me feel like it’s not a waste of time and effort. At this point in my life, I think I’ve handled as much heartbreak as I possibly can and would rather live out the rest of my life uneventfully.

The only reason I even started asking myself this is because for some reason, there are a couple of dudes who are trying to get into my life (who all appeared out of the blue at roughly the same time – timing is weird lol).. and so far, I’m just not impressed nor attracted to anyone. They’re not bad nor unlikeable, I just don’t think any of them fit my life nor do I fit in theirs. I guess having my standards and boundaries all written down (and constantly refined – something I picked up from a therapist) helped me recognize what I like and don’t like. And I’m no longer in the business of trying to force things that aren’t meant for me.

Also – maybe this ties in with me having creative block. My emotions are directly proportional to my creative output. The sadder I am, the more productive I get. I’m coming up with a blank, which is good for my mental health but bad for business HAHA. I have so many plans for the business, the new brand I’m building, and my other endeavors. But I’m quite comfortable that maybe I’ve gotten too comfortable.. and I’m producing nothing. Ugh. Hope that changes soon.

Anyway, zone out done. Back to work for me.

That title is so self-explanatory that it’s funny.

I think if you’ve been out here long enough, you’d know how my mom started to suffer from cancer within my first year of working. When that happened, I had to take over all the responsibilities for the household until she eventually died. That resulted in having to take care of my sick mom and parenting my siblings for a long time. Unfortunately, taking on maternal responsibilities bled over to my romantic relationship as well and I ended up getting burnt out from mothering three people and trying to keep shit together. I was constantly watching out for my siblings who are going through grief and having to remind an ex to pay his bills on time … and shit, does that get to you.

I started going to therapy when I got to a point of running to the office toilet to keep my anxiety attacks under wraps. It was not known to any of my family nor my now ex. Looking back at it now, we were all too young and too immature to be going through all of this without therapy – but hindsight is 20/20 🙂

So moving on – I had been planning on spending an uneventful dinner out with a friend, only to find out I’ve been set up with their friend. It started out mostly fine and to be honest, a little promising. The dude seemed engaged and I honestly have no idea how dating works as an adult, but not being on his phone the entire time was a plus to me. Until this dude started talking about being lonely alone and dating around (comparing his ex to the poor women he dated in the process). Ugh the ick immediately arrived.

I have not made an effort to actively date for almost 3 years at this point, and while it gets lonely, it’s also been quite peaceful. Looking at this dude drinking across the table from me reaffirmed the decision to stay away from anything that will disrupt that peace.

I guess 2022 is still not going to be the year I get a love interest. The longer I stay single, the more I fall in love with my solitude. And the higher my standards get. I still feel like playing catch up with all the years I lost from the stress of having to take care of others (as selfish as that sounds). But I know who I am, and I go all in. I would rather spend my time in comfortable silence than give my everything to someone who’s not gonna give me that same intensity in return.

I kind of miss writing about my life. I started “blogging” while I was in college – when spilling my guts out on tumblr was still considered normal. I never thought about whether someone from a job I’m applying to googles my name and finds the extreme word vomit that has commenced. I guess with my brand having my storytelling as its backbone, I’ve been writing more than I anticipated. And writing about my feelings have taken on a new form and is now on an entirely different platform.

I’m 30 now. So my life has changed drastically from the days when I was still on tumblr. And yet, I still pay the cost to keep this blog (it’s honestly expensive lol) because, at the back of my mind, I’ll one day get back to documenting my life again. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. I do see the value in it because I wrote more when I was happier. Trips with my ex, trips with my friends, and whenever I’m hit by a surge of gratitude that I live the life I have. It’s weird to come to terms that while my life now isn’t as exciting or romantic, it’s peaceful. Most days, I feel content with where I am.

But sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I’ve simply just convinced myself that I’m fine. And if I have, maybe happiness truly is simply a state of mind.

I think since the pandemic started, I’ve had a lot of time to think about what do I want and need in life. Back in 2019, I was actively dating because I honestly couldn’t see living the rest of my life alone. I was sure being single was just a phase, and getting back to dating would be so easy. But come 2020, I’m just.. not that invested in the idea. I would go on dating apps and swipe for 30 mins to a few days every 3-4 months, but I’ve never really felt the urge to actually open my heart up.

It’s not that I intentionally find fault in everyone when I was still actively dating. My toxic trait is if I don’t see a red flag, then I could see a potential future with someone.. so I feel the need to get out of there fast. Anyone who seems emotionally healthy for me or has managed to make my heart flutter got cut off in 2-3 months. And no matter how hard I try to fight it, the panic sets in at the idea of being vulnerable again. Therapy calls it “trauma response”, but to me, it just seems logical.

So here I am. I have made the conscious decision to stay away from romance instead of being someone’s shitty girlfriend that comes with a lot of baggage. Some people would think that sounds lonely. But I would rather live my life in peaceful solitude than miserably try to hang on to someone who isn’t ready. Never doing that anymore.

If I’m being honest, trauma aside, life has been objectively better. I’ve had more time to pursue my interests. There is no one to trigger anxiety attacks when I think that they’re potentially lying to my face. I spend my money on gifts for me, my pets, and my loved ones. I sleep through the night. And I have been able to find out who I am, what I want out of life, and what I stand for – without taking into account a partner’s interests.

But there are days where I wish I can just get past this mental hurdle and let someone actually see me. Not just the identity I put on for most people or the branding I gave myself online. I yearn for the intimacy of taking my clothes off and knowing that every single inch of my exposed skin is loved and accepted. That with every hug, someone would run their fingers over scars that have yet to fade and they would cry at the thought of how much my wounds must have hurt. To have someone who’ll understand that I am going to struggle with giving my trust but I’m trying – and would never do anything to make me doubt. I long for someone to feel secure with, someone who would show me with their actions that we’re on the same page. I’m hoping for someone out there who won’t resent the things I love about myself. I never want to feel tolerated, I want to feel like I’m enough for someone to actively want a future with.

I’ll never know if I never try. But I’ve gambled every single thing and went all-in on something that seemed to be a sure win. I don’t think my patched-up heart can go through all that hurt again.