I just … genuinely need a break. From everything.
I’ve still been working but my mind is blank. It honestly feels like I’m on autopilot right now. It feels silly to even make the conscious decision to be unemployed for a bit and be without a paycheck until who knows when. I’ve always been anxious about not having money. And yet, here I am, about to fly out to another country so I can cry in a different timezone.
I just need to feel something. Anything.
I barely have an appetite. When I eat, I feel like throwing up and everything I’ve managed to consume seems to give me diarrhea. I spend my days and nights just sleeping the hours away (unless I really have to move to work). The last time I went out of the house was for the cremation. I have not stepped foot outside since.
Life is dreary and I can’t find the will or motivation to do anything. I used to literally work through my grief – I used to say that I’m most productive when I’m going through shit. But back then, when I used to have these thoughts, I would pull myself from that void and think about how I can’t go anywhere because I had Rox. And now I don’t. I don’t even know what to look forward to anymore.