Writing letters addressed to the fire

I know, I know. I only have a parasocial relationship with Taylor Swift since 2007. I don’t have “Taylor Swift apologist” on all my social media bios if I wasn’t in the trenches of twitter back in 2016.

However, it did kind of make me sad to hear the seemingly real news of her breakup with Joe Alwyn. But I am not going to speculate on her relationship as she’s mentioned over and over how damaging it has been to her mental health to have her private life be dissected, her love life be treated a spectator sport.

So I’ve just been on a binge listen of her discography after logging out of my stan account as I want to play zero part of something that contributes to someone’s pain.

A lot of the takes I’ve been reading has been “you canNOT date someone for that long and write all these songs for someone you’re not going to end up with”. Which honestly, kind of made her breakup news more real to me.

Because you totally can. Been there. Done that. I’m sure that if I dig deep enough in this blog, I’d find beautiful, magical, fleeting moments that I’ve immortalized through words so I can keep them as happy memories with someone I felt so strongly about. And yet, now that’s all it’s ever going to be. A moment of time that’s long passed.

And if someone who read that at the time has the ability to see in the future, I’m sure whoever they are would be surprised how drastically different life has turned out.

One of the things I never told anyone was that I wrote my ex letters for 2 whole years post breakup. I wrote down everything I wanted to say, everything I’ve actually said that I wish were communicated better, everything I dreamed the life we never ended up living could be. Because it’s weird to have that and suddenly be so uncertain.

I don’t know why I feel so much attachment to Taylor, aside from her discography being the soundtrack of my life. But whatever she’s doing, and wherever she is in life, I truly hope she’s okay. My breakup was kept under wraps and no one outside of my handful of friends really knew until it was well and truly over. The truth behind that breakup didn’t even make it out of my mouth until about half a year later. It took me almost 2 years of therapy to even share it with my family (believe me when I say that my sister wanted to drive over there to run him over lol).

Even at the moment, my relationship with social media (and honestly, including this blog – because I have so many posts published privately that I only ever switch to public once I’m sure someone has to dig deep in the archives to find it) and giving people access to my life has been limited. A really big portion of my life is lived offline or in group chats with my friends (literally have a Telegram channel that acts as my personal Close Friends list where I share life updates).

I can’t imagine having my life be as unmanageably sized as Taylor’s and have to go through all of this in the public eye. Hope she’s okay.

One thought on “Writing letters addressed to the fire

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