I’ve been watching the live action version of Kabe Koji Nekoyashiki-kun with my brother. Within the first few minutes of the pilot episode, a grand gesture was made by one of the leads and I turned to Tristan and said “gusto ko din niyan”. To which he replied, “ate, lowkey version naman niyan yung ginagawa ng friends mo”.

And you know what. He’s right.

Last night, I saw someone’s post on tiktok about how she has always downplayed something she was passionate about to her family because deep down, she did not want to be disappointed. But when she leaned in to vulnerability and let her aging parents know that she had an event, they traveled hours and walked 14 blocks (!!!) just to come and show their support.

I have not been in any romantic relationships since 2019 nor have I met anyone that made me have the inclination to be in one. While I know my ex loved me in his own way, it still was in a way that has turned me wary and jaded over time. Because if this is how romantic love is supposed to go and this is the best I’ve had so far, then why was it so painful and hard?

But then I guess for a long time, given the fact that I had someone who made an official commitment to love me, I had expectations to feel safe and secure with them.

With platonic relationships, these are things no one promises you. None of what they do for you is an obligation. They simply want to out of sheer affection and genuine support.

For a long time, I’ve only given romantic partners the opportunity to show up and be their true authentic self to me (and vice versa). And I always end up in a place of disappointment. But all my important platonic relationships with any significant depth – they just do.

My family scored zero in words of affirmation. Unlike any other romantic entanglement I’ve had, you would never hear anyone say they love you or any other words of affection. But I used to have some of my work published, and in an old envelope hidden in a kitchen cabinet, cutouts of it were kept by my mom for years. My brother lets me holiday in peace by taking over my other work. My sister is currently learning how to drive (unrelated side note: my first car is gonna be so beat up from the both of us being anxious newbie drivers lol) and has mentioned one time that she wishes she never sees any of the dudes that hurt me because she might just run them over. My friends have made sure I never felt left out of any holiday, I’ve even gotten more presents now than when I was single. I don’t miss out on any bougie dates. I’ve traveled to more places with friends in the past 4 years (nag pandemic pa sa lagay na to sis) of being single than the entirety of my decade-long relationship. I had been having breakdowns over one of my brand’s events being unsuccessful given that it was outdoors during typhoon season AND my friends made sure my booth was manned and I was kept fed throughout the entire duration of it.

It almost feels like a travesty and an insult to everyone who loves me to be in a romantic relationship with anyone that can’t even match the love and peace I get from my platonic relationships.

I still find it weird to look at my life and think it’s beautiful and to have a heart that’s so full. I feel overwhelmed by it.