Bangkok 2022 || It’s so hard to feel enough

It’s past 2 AM and I just got back to my room. I had a fun night out with someone I met during the trip.

And for some reason, I still felt so awake and lively that I just need to go somewhere else. At one point, I even thought maybe I should open a quick profile on a dating app and just get this energy out of my system.

Instead, I booked a motorbike to a market across the city. I’m only a few hours away from flying home – and at first, all I could think of was how nice my life is. I can go on long trips, I can do whatever I wanted, and I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I could afford most of the experiences I want to indulge in.

And then suddenly it hit me. If my life was so nice and good – then why doesn’t anyone want me. Like a switch, an overwhelming sense of rejection washed over me. While I know that I have people back home who love me dearly, still one has to wonder why I’m single at 31, on the back of a motorbike at full speed with no helmet on. I can be as reckless with my life as I’ve been because I have no one else to live for but myself.

When that feeling hit, I just started full-on sobbing. At the back of a motorbike. In Bangkok. At the very least, it was a main character moment.

But it’s so hard not to stop crying when you realize that in 30 years, no one has ever known all the versions of me, including the ones I’m ashamed of – and thought “that’s my person”. That I’m a free independent spirit because no one has deemed me worthy to anchor me down and let me rely on them.

I felt everything kinda just start crashing down and every single little thing that I can feel insecure about started popping up like fuck, no one’s even just trying to sleep with me. Am I that unattractive and unlikeable? Logically, I know that it doesn’t make any sense given that I’m not even on any dating app. Haven’t been for a while. If a dude does anything sexual in nature, I would get the ick. Never mind that I’m lowkey a recluse and I also keep my circle small. I almost never welcome any new people in my life.

But feelings are feelings – and they are rarely logical. And in the middle of a breakdown, I can’t even muster the comforting thought of having a person to come home to. Because there’s no one. Maybe someday there will be one and I can look back at this night and smile at how far I’ve come and how much peace I’ve acquired within myself. But right now, I have no one. And it’s just one of those moments where I just need someone, anyone, to hold me while I cry my heart out in a foreign city.

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