Life Lately || panganay problems

My sister graduated this year and got Latin honors for her degree (also an honors program). She’s also starting her first job in a few weeks – and in her job interviews, whenever asked about challenges/accomplishments outside of school, she would always use my brand as her answer lol.

My mom got sick and died early on, so I’ve mostly navigated through my adult life with no one to guide me. I got to where I am now, mostly through experience. I made my mistakes and learned a few things on the way which I passed on. Since mom got sick, I lost my safety net. With her around, I know I can fail because whatever I do and even if I break, someone’s going to be there to unconditionally pick up the pieces. And for a long time after her diagnosis, I felt completely alone. I knew my responsibilities and I know I can’t ever relax with them because I now have two people relying on me, and I had no one that made me feel like they were stable enough that I can rely on them. Both my siblings were young and they needed to have someone to be there to pick up their pieces. I knew I didn’t have that anymore in anyone, and the best I could do was be their safety net.

My family isn’t big on affection (I bet we all scored zero on words of affirmation as a love language) and the best way I show my love is by making someone’s life a little bit easier (sometimes at my expense, but that’s an entirely different conversation – preferably with a therapist). And while I’m happy at the fact that my sister can focus more on being her amazing self (do not tell her I said that) with a further starting point than I did, I’m also a little bit jealous that I didn’t get that. I know it’s a valid feeling and I know it’s no one’s fault. And life has gotten better (with time and therapy), but sometimes, these feelings would pop up and it’s hard not to feel guilty about it.

I guess it’s also because I’ve recently been working with a lawyer to do some legal stuff for the business, I just got a loan, my credit limit has kept up with inflation and increased by a significant amount, and I’ve been doing all these adult things. At 21, it felt like I had to sit in the driver’s seat before I even knew how to drive but I can’t crash and burn because I got passengers. The last passenger just got off (my sister – who funnily enough was in the car when I was literally taking actual driving lessons lol), and I find that I’ve gotten comfortable with driving and I can now relax my hold on the stirring wheel. I was just about to get to the nearest exit so I can slow down and explore more places, and maybe find a stop where I can get off the car I’d been driving nonstop for years and rest for a bit. Walk around and take in the sights. Instead, the vehicle turned into something so much bigger, that one wrong turn and I would start a pileup – and now I have no choice but to keep driving down the same path while being completely terrified of driving again. No one’s around to take the wheel when I’m tired or sick or restless or anxious. Just me, driving a truck on the seemingly endless expressway – when all I wanted was to drive down a scenic route in a small compact car at minimum speed limit.

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