I’ve never really seen my job as part of my identity. To me, it’s just something I do for 8 hours per day for money. While there have been countless times where I quite enjoy what I do, I’ve just never been someone who aimed to climb the corporate ladder. Personally, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. Not having an emotional attachment to my job has allowed me to be objective and productive. There was even a time where my job was a break from my chaotic personal life. 8 hours of only thinking about the work tasks I need to accomplish or deadlines I make sure I meet.

I guess this feeling of detachment from my job has been exacerbated by the pandemic. I lost my job at the peak of it – which further hammered in the fact that I can work so hard and lose a job within a 15-minute zoom call. And I feel like the longer the threat of potentially dying due to a virus is around, the less I feel like it’s worth it.

Recently, I’ve been responding to every single Linkedin messages I get for any job opening. Am I actively looking? Maybe not. But maybe I’m hoping that a new job would get me out of this weird funk I’ve been. I want to open my work laptop and feel excited for a new work day – but most days, I spend it asking myself if I’m even qualified to be doing what I do. And the thing with all these interviews is they always ask the classic question of why I’m exploring. I usually would give a template answer of looking for new challenges or growth.

But I lay here at midnight and wonder what’s the point of even doing so. What am I even looking forward to? What am I working so hard for? I used to enjoy studying and learning new things, but I’m slowly losing the drive to do so.