It’s 10:32 PM on a Sunday and I’m working (on something for my day job). If you asked me at 21 where I thought I’d be in life at this exact moment, I would have given an answer that’s far from my current life. And maybe in a parallel universe, that answer would have been true. But in this one, I’m single and child-free. I’m in the 30% income tax bracket (which needs to be maintained by working weekends). Heck, I even have a cat now who I absolutely adore (which came as a surprise, even to me). It’s been 2 weeks since I turned 31, and if I’m being honest, I still feel like I’m in my 20s lol.
Unlike last year, there was not a lot of pressure that came with turning 31. I guess because I realized when I hit 30 that … life is generally the same. Nothing changed when I turned 30. I’m still me. I didn’t shrivel up and die. And if I live up to a hundred, I’m only 30% of the way. That’s not even halfway done. Or if I base my life expectancy on my mom, then I’m past halfway on my journey to the grave and there’s really no sense in worrying too much. I would instead savor each day while I can.
Sometimes, I wonder if I’ll ever couple up with someone (anyone!) again. And I wonder if there’s something wrong with me based on the fact that my ex seems happy in his current relationship (I don’t keep track but we, unfortunately, have mutual friends who post him and his new girlfriend on their ig stories and it’s weird to see his face, and not recognize this person at all – the same way that I don’t recognize the girl in old photos of the two of us together – eh life is weird that way), or the dudes I almost dated seriously while in my healing phase are all coupled up now.
The wondering doesn’t feel like yearning, thank god. It’s just something I’m genuinely curious about. Just one of those things that pop into my mind when I suddenly zone out in the middle of a thought (like now). It’s hard to let people in when I’ve built a life I truly love – because what else can they add to it?
My best friends treat me so well. Gin gifted me Chanel for my 30th and would plan trips for my birthday. Mao would treat me to a 5-digit degustation dinner just because, and would even drive to Cavite from Makati to pick me up (and wouldn’t even ask to split gas/toll even if I insisted). Alex drove from Alabang to BGC to bring me an electric fan because it’s sweltering. Our house turns into a flower/gift shop on my birthday and on valentines day – it’s crazy. I did my first pop-up for sad girl scents and all my friends came to either help man the booth or show me support.
I treat myself well. I get myself flowers every month (I’ve bought more for myself 2 years into being single, than the 10 years I was in a relationship with one person). I go to therapy. I’ve learned how to live with myself.
I have never met a single man who can match that energy. So it’s not really that I’m not that open to dating, it’s just no one has made me feel like it’s not a waste of time and effort. At this point in my life, I think I’ve handled as much heartbreak as I possibly can and would rather live out the rest of my life uneventfully.
The only reason I even started asking myself this is because for some reason, there are a couple of dudes who are trying to get into my life (who all appeared out of the blue at roughly the same time – timing is weird lol).. and so far, I’m just not impressed nor attracted to anyone. They’re not bad nor unlikeable, I just don’t think any of them fit my life nor do I fit in theirs. I guess having my standards and boundaries all written down (and constantly refined – something I picked up from a therapist) helped me recognize what I like and don’t like. And I’m no longer in the business of trying to force things that aren’t meant for me.
Also – maybe this ties in with me having creative block. My emotions are directly proportional to my creative output. The sadder I am, the more productive I get. I’m coming up with a blank, which is good for my mental health but bad for business HAHA. I have so many plans for the business, the new brand I’m building, and my other endeavors. But I’m quite comfortable that maybe I’ve gotten too comfortable.. and I’m producing nothing. Ugh. Hope that changes soon.
Anyway, zone out done. Back to work for me.