Life Lately || Cringe

As a follow up to my previous post – I was only on a dating app for four days until I went back to my intentionally single life. It took about a week, a tarot reading, and a lot of ugly crying to get it out of my system.

I have to say that I went back to read what I wrote while I was going through all my emotions and I cringed so hard. Haha! I think now that I’ve calmed down and have regained back some of my inner peace, I can share the context of why I was so overwhelmed (overwhelmed enough that I just immediately start writing out via mobile everything I was feeling at that exact moment – so please forgive all the grammatical errors).

  • I was in the middle of getting the roof fixed before typhoon season and as if that wasn’t bad enough, a water pipe bursts resulting in one of the rooms getting flooded. I had to deal with an insane mess, getting shit done, having the house fumigated because the mosquitoes decided to breed in the flooded room, and having to figure out why I’m paying for all of this haha. (I was not lying when I said I have zero financial assistance from my parents lol) We are finally on the last stretch, and I’m hoping that everything is done in a couple of days.
  • I also have an ongoing dispute process with the bank. I opened my bank app one day and found that there were multiple transactions (all at the same exact time) transferring money out of my account. This is very suspicious because this account didn’t even have a debit card and I only ever access it using the mobile app. Full on meltdown moment, I tell you. I have decided to change banks right after I get my money back.
  • Then one of my credit cards got blocked (thank god) because of multiple attempts for an online purchase. I went and locked all my accounts, made sure to update my personal information, changed all my passwords – and lit up a manifestation candle for some good juju.
  • Crypto dip happened while I was in the middle of all the financial stress too.
  • Got some news about something that happened (and is still happening lol) that I didn’t realize I was going to be hurt by. When I found out, I unfortunately felt a tinge of hurt. In turn, it triggered all the aging related blues.
  • Found my ‘30 before 30’ list that I wrote as a 20-year old while organizing my things and WHILE I was already going through the aging blues.
  • It all happened the week I had my period, too. It was like the universe wanted to witness a breakdown. I really found myself with the desire to have someone to hold me while I cried and to just feel that there’s someone else who I can rely on aside from myself. /shrugs

With all that said, I’m not sure if I have the energy and the emotional capacity to love another person again (or at least any time soon?). Hence, scurrying back to safety as fast as possible after getting out of my comfort zone and attempting to meet some eligible bachelors.

My heart is full with the amount of affection I get from my family and friends, yet I also feel like I am all drained out of love and understanding to give to someone new. Being someone’s partner requires so much patience and acceptance. Things will never be smooth sailing all the time, and when times are rough, you have to actively decide to be kind to your partner and yourself. I have done a lot of self reflection in the past 2+ years of all the things I wish I could have done better (in my previous relationship, and life in general), and I often end up with wishing that I was kinder. I regret that I wasn’t kind every time I was hurt, which led to more hurt and what started a vicious cycle.

And with everything that’s going on in my life, I have this fear that no one’s going to be able to put up with it. I barely even want to deal with all this. I come with a lot of baggage – I run the household now that my mom’s not around, my job deals with a lot of stress that I unintentionally carry with me outside of work hours, I’m running a small business (alone but with a lot of assistance from my siblings because they don’t have a choice lol), and I constantly feel like I’m under a lot of pressure. And admittedly, most of that pressure comes from myself. One of the things that dealt a huge blow in my previous relationship was that my ex never felt like he could share his burden with me because I already have too much on my plate. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to feel that way, and deal with all the crazy complexities that’s bound to come up when I’m the other half in a relationship. And I also don’t feel like anyone I would love that way deserves that. So once again, here we are in this conundrum.

For now, I’m going to stay in my bubble. Aside from all the hiccups (major and minor haha), I still do think that I live an incredibly privileged life. Sometimes, I let the damn thoughts that keep running in my head sidetrack me from that.

Now I just need the bank to give me back my money and for the house fixes to be over so I can go back to sleeping very well at night instead of thinking about these things. Ugh.

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