On writing from the heart (I also have no idea what title to give this post)

I have never had a problem being candid while writing in this blog. It used to be so easy to retell events from my point of view or relay my feelings.. but as I sit here tonight, I feel lost on what to say.

It’s been a while since I sat down, and really let all my feelings sink in. Today is Day 27 without my mom.. and it’s weird that I haven’t gone batshit crazy yet. I’m quite a drama queen if I must say so, and I literally have laid down on our cold marble floor to cry over small things. My mom would usually comment how I’m a picture of someone whose loved one died (’namatayan’) whenever it happens.. and it’s ironic that I have remained composed when it actually happened. Since then, I have not had any chance to feel things for myself. The days following mom’s death had been proof why “can work under pressure” is written in my CV. Before I knew it, I was back at work while juggling my social life, my siblings’ best interests, maintaining our household as all my mom’s duties has been passed on to me (you’re talking to the head of the house now) and my relationship with C. C’s been very supportive all throughout, I wouldn’t even be exaggerating if I say that he’s the one keeping me sane.

Sometimes I just want to be the fun older sister – the one who takes the sibs shopping or encourages them to enjoy their lives. Now that I’m their guardian, I have to step in my mom’s shoes half the time to keep this ‘ship’ afloat. I’ve had to take on so much more responsibility that there are days where I feel like the line between the dream world and real life has blurred that I don’t know the difference anymore. I am exhausted all the time, and I have developed the need to pile on makeup on my face every single time I go out to hide all evidence of distress. It’s funny how people approach me and exclaim how happy they are that I’m coping well.. what they don’t know is that my non-waterproof mascara is the only thing that’s pushing me to hold my shit together.

I have developed an intense dislike for small talk questions such as the ones asking about my wellbeing. Aside from the fact that I have no idea how to answer it, I do not even know how I am most of the time. Yes, I’m getting by, and getting accustomed to the feeling of losing someone.. in bite-sized pieces. I would be looking at the drapes at home, and be thinking about something insignificant until I remember how much my mom enjoyed sewing color coordinate drapes for all the rooms in our house. There are times I would try to imagine how my mom would react to certain things, and how her voice would sound like. Sometimes I wish I can still talk to her, or get her advice. I compare every sinigang, adobo, kare kare, nilaga to hers, and I realize that I will never get to savor those dishes that shaped my palate.

I lost one of my dogs yesterday, Chicken. Is this how life is going to be from now on? Losing all the ones you care about one by one, and spending the rest of your life trying to recover from it. Like most people, I have good days and I have bad days. Unfortunately, today has been an emotional roller coaster ride. I and the sibs will be spending our Noche Buena with C’s family who was gracious enough to include us in their festivity. His family’s always been good to me, and I’m very happy that I get to bring both the sibs along because otherwise, we’d be spending our Christmas by ourselves. We didn’t put up Christmas decor this year. It’s always been mom who does it, and she comes up with creative DIY decors.. Candyland was the theme of the last Christmas season where she was still healthy (2012). This is the first time I’m spending Christmas without my mom, and to be quite honest, it does not feel like Christmas at all. I miss you, mom.

 

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