Midlife Crisis

I don’t think a midlife crisis is appropriate at 22.

I find myself thinking why I do what I do frequently – too much, even. From almost always trusting my body clock to wake up, I have had to set up 3 alarms with a 15-minute interval to ensure that I get to the office in time. I rarely get excited anymore because I do not see the value of what I am doing. And to be completely honest, I have come to a point where I’m just working for the money (which isn’t a lot to begin with). I envy anyone who could do what they do even without money involved. That’s passion.

People still see the bubbly girl they have always known, but inside – it just feels so.. empty. What I feel when I get commended for something I did exceptional in or when I get apprehended does not feel any different at all. My hands used to get clammy and my heart beat races faster, but now, most of my days feel the same – gray, bland and boring.

I actually miss being pissed that I had so much work to do. At least, that evokes feelings out of me. But even when I do spend a lot of time working, I don’t feel challenged enough. Most of what I do are just a butt load of repetitive mindless chores, I might as well be sleeping. Scratch that, I would rather be sleeping. It will probably take years off my face and loads off the bags under my eyes.

It’s not as if I didn’t try. For a time, I believed I could even outwork anyone else who can do my job. I sacrificed punctuality on dinner dates with friends to finish work which was delegated to me 4 PM of the same afternoon, attendance within family events to spend the holiday in the office, comfort for chronic neck and back pain and sweet conversations with C to vent out pent up anger at everything else. And at that time, I succeeded. I received favorable performance reviews (no promotion yet though) and coveted work trips.

Sometimes I wonder why we all spend too much time studying. After graduating, we burn our days working – reaping pleasure from getting hired by a faceless multinational brand, inspiring envy amongst our peers and flaunting this and that. Money is important, I could not agree more. And we try to make so much of it, it has cost us more than we can afford. Our relationships, our dreams, our health and even our sanity.

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